Small Improvements that are Working in our Family’s Kitchen
What Matters Most and What Gets in the Way - The Dinner Prep Edition
The way I work in the kitchen has changed over the years - mostly in a lot of small ways. It’s still evolving and it doesn’t look the way I thought it would.
If you ask me what's most important to me, as a parent, I’d probably talk about the big stuff.
Faith and values, I’d say. I want my children to grow into responsible and independent adults. I want them to know their gifts and use them to serve God and other people. I’d talk about connection. I want my kids to have solid relationships with us, with each other, and with their own future partners and families.
But. There’s always a “but”.
Do you know what gets in the way of connecting with my kids? Getting stuck in the kitchen all afternoon.
Do you know where is a great place for kids to learn skills, to be responsible, to care for others? In the kitchen.
Know what gets in the way of the big, lofty, important stuff I claim to value so highly? A whole lot of mundane, urgent, annoying things. Like permission slips and school lunches and not enough clean underwear.
Cooking can be a time to connect. Photo credit Annie Spratt
Just another crazy afternoon
I used to treat the more mundane aspects of home life - food prep, laundry, cleaning - as obstacles. They get in the way of things we enjoy more and that matter more. You know, those BIG, IMPORTANT things, like spending time together, exercising, learning life skills. (See the irony there? As if the kitchen isn’t one of the best places to learn life skills? And laundry = a life skill.)
But when I treat, say, cooking dinner, as an obstacle I must get through before say, listening to my kids, or playing with them, my afternoon looks something like this.
I try to convince kids to leave me alone.
Cook AQAP (as quickly as possible).
Yell at kids because they are bickering.
Cook more.
Yell because they are hurting each other now.
Repeat the instruction to leave me alone because they keep coming in and asking for things. “How far away is Pluto?” “ Where is my LEGO Ninjago guy?” “He’s hitting me?” “Can I have a popsicle? Can I watch a show now"?” “How about now?”
They finally leave. I finish cooking dinner.
Call the kids to come and set the table.
Call them again because they are finally playing together (or at least they are ignoring me).
Hurry them along to set the table or just grab a plate and a drink and hurry-up-and-eat-because-we-need-to-leave-in-ten-minutes!
Shove food in mouths and get in the vehicle, leaving all kinds of cooking dishes behind.
Come home and “Connect” - read bedtime stories, etc. - then face the dishes.
Maybe you can relate?
I get SO frustrated!
I’d be frustrated with my children - because why can’t they just get along and entertain themselves for three minutes?! I’d be frustrated with myself - because I should be more organized. Also, they should obey when I instruct them to leave me alone, right? Oh yeah, and then there’s the guilt because I am seriously ticked off at my children.
Know what gets in the way of the big, lofty, important stuff I claim to value so highly? A whole lot of mundane, urgent, annoying things. Like permission slips and school lunches and not enough clean underwear.
It’s just a mess. Also, the kitchen is a mess. Still. At 9:20 pm, when I’ve finally finished all the bedtimes. That is incredibly discouraging.
Did I mention I’m solo parenting in this scenario? Before you ask why my husband doesn’t do the dishes. It’s at least ten days until he’s home, so, yeah, the dishes can’t wait for him.
My take-aways from all this mess are these:
Dinner is a challenge
Minimizing the amount of hands on prep I need to do in the late afternoon would be a win.
Trying to make my kids leave me alone so I can do dinner prep is a disaster.
I need help with kitchen tasks and clean up.
Investing some time and thought into making food prep - and specifically this time of day - more streamlined would be time well spent.
Learning a better way is worth my time
The way I work in the kitchen has changed over the years - mostly in a lot of small ways. It’s still evolving and it doesn’t look the way I thought it would. My big goals remain - connecting with my kids, giving them (relatively) healthy food. Teaching them to help out and contribute. It’s different than my neighbour who has the same child do the dishes every night. I don’t have the same children home every night.
Most important, my attitude about the kitchen has changed.
I’ve realized cooking dinner is not an obstacle to connection. It is an opportunity to connect.
When I invite my children to cook WITH me, or set the table WITH me, or even unload the dishwasher WITH me - especially if just one child joins me in the kitchen at a time - they chat and tell me about their day. They ask their far-fetched questions and tell me their latest weird-but-true fact. We connect and they leave calmer, more settled, and far more apt to entertain themselves.
Instead of preparing some fancy kitchen science experiment for my three-year-old, it will usually suffice to have him pour the flour into the mixing bowl. He’s content with that.
Having my children help me in the kitchen does help calm the chaos, but our evening schedule doesn’t allow us to spend a lot of time on dinner prep. Or eating. Or clean up.
I’ve realized cooking dinner is not an obstacle to connection. It is an opportunity to connect.
Last evening, for example, I piled little boys in the car at 5:30. They ran in the grass as we waited for a soccer practice to end at 5:50. Zipped home. I gave them each a dish of pasta while big sister showered before her 6:30 appointment. Picked up another child at 6:50. Brought four kids home and dashed out to pick up the last one at 7:30. And then, it’s bedtime for the littlest ones!
A nice sit down meal does not work on days like this.
In my attempts to streamline dinner prep and maybejust maybe-not face piles of dirty dishes at 10 pm, I’ve tried lots of things. Some stuck. Some did not.
Meal Prep Approaches That Haven’t worked well for our family
Finding what works best is an exercise in trial and error. I’ve tried a lot of different approaches. Some helped a little, but weren’t a good long term fit. Some just bombed. But, if your situation is different than mine, any of these could work better for you than they did for me. Keep that in mind before you write anything off.
I've had so many fails and false starts when I've tried to revamp my meal planning/ cooking and grocery buying routines. Here is a sample.
1. Big cooking. With three friends, we made 24 (30?) meals in one evening. Getting together, cooking and plopping food into freezer bags was pretty fun. Shopping for the massive grocery list before hand was THE WORST. It did not become a regular event.
2. Hiring help with meal prep. Turns out, having someone else do the prep demands I plan ahead in great detail. That didn't go great. This would also work better if I were not in and out of the house all afternoon and/or if our house were bigger.
3. Meal planning a month at a time. I can write meals on a calendar but by Day 8 (probably by Day 4), I will forget about the meal plan and start cooking based on what's left in the fridge.
4. Freezing huge portions. A freezer meal that leave three days worth of leftovers is too big. Also, failing to label the portions in the freezer.
5. Meal subscriptions. We tried Hello Fresh a few times. I did learn how to make better breaded chicken and pork chops. The food was delicious and having portions already measured out and ready to go was convenient. However, the meals required 30 (uninterrupted) minutes - so more like, 40-50 minutes - of hands on prep time. It’s much quicker than making the same meal without the kit, but that hands on prep time I still a problem with our schedule.
6. Assigning chores without training and practice. Kids can help in the kitchen. They will shut down and whine and quit very quickly if (1) you just bark orders, (2) they are unclear on exactly what to do. This means I need to put in some time loading the dishwasher WITH my seven-year-old. He’s starting to own that particular job, even if not every dish is in the spot I would choose for it. JoAnn Crohn of No Guilt Mom has a podcast episode on this and will send you some tips if you sign up for her email list.
Small Improvements that are Working in our Kitchen
I'm leaning into James Clear's advice here.
"If you get one percent better each day for one year, you'll end up thirty-seven times better by the time you’re done."
If I can get more efficient so I spend less time in the kitchen, and waste less food that'll be a huge win. That means more time for connecting and less hectic evenings. (To clarify, incrementally less hectic. I mean, don't imagine I'll be quietly sipping tea while the boys put themselves to bed peaceably!)
These are my tiny improvements. Some are recent. Others have developed over a longer period of time.
1. The KEEP WARM button. I'm using my Instapot as a slow cooker more often these days. Usually, that means I sauté onion or brown the meat first and then switch to slow cooker. For example, taco meat takes me 15 minutes in a pot, but between 4-6 pm, I don't have 15 minutes. Kids are heading in all directions. Some may be ready to eat at 4:30, others not until 7pm or later. The KEEP WARM button is my new bestie.
2. Meal planning by the week. I'm planning just 5 meals for the week, and a clean-out-the-fridge night. (I've tried planning two or three meals a day in the past and the leftovers get backed up very quickly!) It means a weekly grocery run, but I’m wasting far less. Like anything, with practice, I could potentially plan more days out. Right now, one week at a time is working better than any previous attempt at meal planning.
3. Learning how to store produce. I'm learning from Allison Hollinger how to wash, dry and store produce so it lasts longer and is ready to grab and go. My compost is less full this week than usual, so that's a win.
4. Freezing leftovers sooner. "I'll make burritos", I say to myself. Five days later, I look in the fridge and wonder, "How long has this leftover taco meat been here? Maybe it's too old to eat. Maybe I'd better throw it out." Instead, I now stop and decide - are the burritos for lunch tomorrow? If no, better to freeze it and thaw it when needed. (Also, brown bananas! You don’t have to make banana bread right away. Peel, break in half and freeze in a freezer bag for smoothies later. You can also make banana bread with them later. Just remove some liquid and/or decrease the liquid in the recipe.)
5. Freezing smaller portions. See fail #4. I'd rather have the option of thawing just enough taco meat to make a tray of nachos. I can always thaw two containers (or freezer bags) if I'm cooking for more people. When I use the slow cooker (#1) for, say pulled pork, I make enough for several meals and freeze them in smaller portions. (Usually, that means each portion would do a meal for 3-4 people, as there are seven of us.)
6. Cleaning in zones. I'm getting better at this, and the kids will get it eventually. Instead of 17 trips to the fridge after a meal, all items destined for the fridge go to a zone on our island. All the dirty dishes go to a different zone. Then, the whole pile will be moved to the dishwasher in one go (or two, but not 10-15). This one is Lazy Genius wisdom.
7. Inviting my kids to work with me. (Instead of barking orders.) Note, the teenagers prefer that I clear out altogether. If they are going to clean the kitchen, they want their music, and to be left to do it on their own. Not so with the younger crowd.
What small improvements can you make in your family's kitchen?
“Begin with the end in mind.” Our elementary school teaches Stephen Covey’s wisdom to even the kindergartners. We’d do well to remember it in the kitchen as well.
Answer these two questions to get a little more clarity about which small improvements would help most in your family’s kitchen.
What matters most about meal time - what is the main goal around dinner prep for you? Super healthy food? Minimal hands-on prep time? A sit-down dinnertime? Keeping food cost down? Quicker clean up so you can have more time with your kids before bed? We’d like all the above, but it’s worth articulating which one is most important at this stage in your family life.
What is getting in the way of that reaching that goal? Is it a problem with planning or execution? Is it food management (e.g. too many leftovers) or cooking (complex recipes)? Review my list of improvements and choose one that you think could help your family have a more pleasant dinner prep experience.
How will you know if you’ve made an improvement? If you don’t measure it, you won’t notice it. And you won’t keep at it. If your goal is to decrease your prep, note how much time you spend on prep over the next couple of days. Yesterday, today, tomorrow will do. (Maybe put it on the edge of your wall calendar or on a note in your phone?) Try making a small change and measure again in a week or two. (You could put an alarm on your phone on repeat so you remember to check next week and the week after?)
Remember, SMALL improvements make a BIG difference over the long run. And dinner is something we’ll be making for quite some time, so we might as well start improving our processes now!
P.S. I bet you never put this much thought into dinner prep before you had kids. I mean, maybe you planned something elaborate on occasion, but balancing all the scheduling and emotional demands is a whole different thing!! That’s a big part of why Parenting is Unlike any Job You’ve Ever Done. Read about how mental load is affecting you.