What an exec learned when he no longer had the luxury of time
“I used to think commitment (as measured by time) was the greatest of all virtures. Now I believe consciousness (measured by presence and focus...I bring to the moment) to be the greatest of all virtues.”
A low grade panic creeps in when I see Instagram posts saying my time with my kids is mostly used up by the time they are 12 or 16! The countdown is on!
I feel a sudden need to hover around my daughter’s bedroom more often. To plan more coffee dates. I mean, she is working on college applications! Time is short!!
And while spending time with her can be lovely, the fact that I’m compelled by a fear-inducing IG post pretty much guarantees our coffee date will feel more forced than magical.
When it feels like time is running out, don’t panic. Image by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash
So, before we force a whole lot of “quality” time on our kids, consider
the quality of your “quality time” will tank if you are all stressed out about it being perfect or driven by fear of time running out.
being available for ALL the minutes of the day is a disaster. Always. None of us want—or even should want—to spend all the minutes together.
The long game, yes we’ll see our college and adult children fewer days of each week and fewer minutes of each day going forward, but there may be a lot of years to spread that time over. (You could potentially have adult children for… 30, 40, even 50 years if they move out at 18.)
these words from a man who realized he had less time left than he had expected. As an executive, Eugene O'Keefe had valued showing up for all the meetings and all the projects. As a former executive, dying of brain cancer, he wrote this. “I used to think commitment (as measured by time) was the greatest of all virtues. Now I believe consciousness (measured by presence and focus in the energy I bring to the moment) to be the greatest of all virtues.” (From his memoir Chasing daylight by Eugene O’Keefe.)
How we can show up better, not just more
“The goal of love is never efficiency. It is presence.” Bob Goff
I’ve read “Children spell love T-I-M-E“ (imom) but I know first hand that when I spend all my T-I-M-E with my kids, I stop being really present. I’m there, getting food for them or washing clothes for them, but I am paying less and less attention to them. I am shooing them away. Over and over.
When I have been available to my kids for too many hours or days in a row, I stop being emotionally available. I’m in the room but wishing I were elsewhere.
And that’s when taking time apart is the absolute best thing for all of us. I come back refreshed. More present. More available and attentive, patient and, just, well, sane.
Permission to spend less time together
For Eugene O’Keefe to be alert and attentive during his visits with friends and family, he had to rest up. Deliberate thought beforehand allowed him to express appreciation to his friends for the role they played in his life. He chose his words carefully as, in most case, this would be his last conversation with that individual.
This is different than being perpetually available, without any boundaries around it. This is where it’s very, very easy for moms of young children, especially, to spend so much time with their children that they’re too depleted to be present.
Intentional time - shorter but focused
When we moved to South Korea, my husband worked 80 hour work weeks and I was with our baby and preschooler nearly All. The. Time. I felt trapped and desperately wanted my older daughter to “just play” while the baby slept so I could get some things done!
A wise friend, experienced with young children advised I try 10 minute times slots three times a week, when I would sit on the floor with her and allow her to lead the play. I was not even to pick up a block without her instruction. Let her take the lead entirely and give her undivided attention for just ten minutes. (This was a recommendation from an Australian early childhood centre or study but I have not located the source again since. Let me know if it rings a bell!)
Now, ten minutes does feel L-O-N-G , sitting on the floor, thinking about the laundry and dirty dishes, but ten minutes of attention seemed to fill up her tank so she could play independently for much longer afterwards. And that made both of us happier.
With bigger kids I’ve found it helpful when we schedule dates with each of them. These are inconsistent, but, when we do it monthly or even every six weeks, they soak up the individual attention, and—bonus!—are less demanding for days after.
I agree with Bob, Love is about presence. But too much presence—as in, physically always being together—makes me a much less loving person. We can hold the tension, offering intentional attention without incessant availability.